Every once in a while, I do something, and I think to myself, 'Self, that's a life lesson. Don't do that again.' And every lesson I learn, I number. Usually, the numbers are three-digit, like four hundred sixty-seven, or three hundred eighty-two. Today, I learned a lesson that I think rockets right up to number one, as it crosses over so many different aspects of life.
The lesson? Don't fight in the morning.
I count myself lucky that I've never had to worry about this particular lesson prior to, well, now. However, I hope that I don't have to count this particular lesson as being one that I have to re-learn, because damn it sucks. Here's the scenario:
Last night North and I went to see the Hound of the Baskervilles, as his belated birthday present. So, he ended up staying over. Now, usually, on 'school nights', he doesn't stay over. This is because he has to get up at 'daft o'clock in the morning', with me, when I go to school. Dublin has expressed that she is uncomfortable with him staying in our house when we're not there, and I respect that. Er, I try to. I also don't like it because it makes me feel weird: I'm at work and you're sleeping in? It would be different if I knew that it was because it was his day off, or because it was a one-off, but he's sleeping in today because he doesn't have any work to do, and is 'tired' and disinclined to do anything to change his work status.
I'm not explaining this well, and I feel like an asshole.
North is angry with himself for still not working steadily. He's angry that nothing in his life is sorted. He's angry that he doesn't have a place to stay - perpetually - and where he's been staying is now uncomfortable to him because he feels that he's overstayed his welcome. (I don't know if he has, or not, I just know he's been there for four months.) Now, I can understand all of this. I do. I get it. And I want to help. I want to make him not angry anymore, in any small way that I can.
What I can't do, is get him a job. He has to do that. I also can't get him a place, or make him feel comfortable in the place he's staying. I can try to make him as comfortable as I can in my world, but ultimately, it's my world. I can share with him - but only up to a point. Because really, this 'sharing' is a one way street. And I can only 'share' so much before I feel like he's 'expecting' or 'taking' - which I don't like. And it doesn't matter whether he is or isn't - what matters is that I feel like that, and then I feel like an asshole for feeling that way, and then I feel like an even bigger asshole because that future? You know, the one I want? I can't see it happening if things like this continue.
So all of this was brewing, this morning, when North asked if he could sleep in and give me my keys later. I said that I would prefer it if he didn't, and I gave a few reasons:
1) if he was offered a shift this afternoon he couldn't take it because he would have to give me my keys back, which is just stupid
2) I am going to have to do a buttload of work this afternoon for school, and won't be leaving until late
3) if I know that I'm going to be meeting him, I won't want to finish my work, I'll want to hang out with him, thus making my work harder to do, and in all probability I won't end up finishing all of it. (This said while I busily type on my blog, but anyway.)
He was angry, and got all defensive, saying he was only asking a 'favour' and he'd never asked before - to which I replied, 'Yes, you have, this is just the first time you've asked for this favour recently.' And that got him going like nobody's business, he was just pissed. He said I treated him like a kid, and really, I wanted to tell him he was acting like one, but then again, I was acting like some kind of harpy, so we were both in the wrong, I'd say. In any event, I was bummed.
I took the last train I could into work, having already been awake for two hours, and had an argument - which I lost, because I let him stay. I just didn't want to fight anymore. He wasn't seeing it from my point of view, and making him leave wasn't going to get him to see it any clearer. He would have just been pissed, and less inclined to think of anything from anyone's point of view.
Ultimately, I have come to some conclusions in the past week.
1) I am moving out on my own. North is in no position to get a flat, he has no steady income, he doesn't know where he'll be in two months, and I can't support him.
2) I don't know how long I will be able to date North if this state of affairs continues. I don't care what he does, I just want him to do something. This for his own sanity as much as it is for mine. He's only happy if he's working, and that has been so sporadic of late that it's really affecting him. If this goes on, I don't know how we can go on, because I don't know how long I can be supportive of someone who seems to have little idea of how to proceed in the realm of finding a job.
Oh, just in general, things are a mess.
Dorian in Lester's bag...
Aaaand the nogggg (mmm. nog.)

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